As for so many people all over the world, Covid had a large impact on my life. At that stage, I was a wife to a loving husband and a mother of 2 daughters, aged 10 and 12 respectively. I was also an Occupational Therapist, working with children with special needs and developmental delays. I worked with other therapists, in a building in the centre of town and though everything wasn’t perfect, life was fairly good. But then Covid hit…
This resulted in an initial loss of income, but as the months crept by, I also had to cancel the rental agreement for my practice and move my practice to my home garage, with the hope of starting over there, once Covid had run its course. To me, a large part of my identity was situated in my role as an Occupational Therapist. My worth was based in my ability to help others and make a difference in their lives. So not only did I lose my only source of income and my workplace, I also lost my title and role in the work force. I lost my identity and my goal in life and that which I believed was the only thing I had been called for.
In the months that followed I was at home with my children, trying to juggle school for the kids, cooking, cleaning and trying to plan building up a practice from, what felt like, nothing. I was alone, terrified and ashamed of what I had become. I became increasingly critical towards myself, especially when looking at my weight, my appearance, my ability to be a mom and also a wife to my husband. I started believing that I was not good enough and that I do not deserve anything better. Along with this, the belief also grew that other people saw me in the same light and judged me with the same measure that I judged myself. Fear started taking over… fear of people and fear of their judgement. I started hiding from people and simply going to the store, church and small group became increasingly difficult. I even found it daunting to answer the phone.
While hiding at home, I was silently waiting for someone to care, to come looking for me, to need me or at the very least for God to send someone my way. But this obviously did not happen as everyone was busy trying to survive. I became angry at my family and friends, but also at God. I felt that He had left me without a future and that He had called me to do a job which I was unable to do. It felt as if I had to settle for a life devoid of anything that I had dreamt of and with nothing to look forward to… Just like Gideon beating out wheat in the winepress to hide from the Midianites, I was hiding in fear and questioning God’s plan.
Then, in March ’23, Frankie Loftus sent me a link, to invite me to a prophetic art class – just that, no major revelation and no clear message from God… just an invite. One part of me longed to go and see what God would do, but with no artistic skills or experience and fear keeping me locked inside, I hesitated. I thank God that He convinced me to go and enabled me to step out, because He showed up in ways that I cannot even begin to explain. He came and met me where I was at and just like He addressed Gideon as a “Mighty Warrior” while he was still hiding in fear, he called me out of hiding as well. In the year that followed, God used the art classes to reveal to me how he sees me. He showed me that I am able and loved, that I have been called for a purpose and that I have meaning and value. That which I had broken down, He came to restore. He said that I am free and fearless and that my purpose had been returned.
The fear, however remained a large stumbling block. I started watching “The chosen” and in the first 5 minutes of the first series I was truly touched by the father’s words to his daughter. He asked her “What do we say when we are afraid?” Her response – Adonai’s words… “Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine”. I started looking for more information and found Adonai’s prayer, which states that “you call my name and a flood of joy overflows. You command my life, and a fountain of confidence takes over.” The Holy spirit fixed my attention on the use of “name” and I was led to read Matthew 16:17 – 18 “Jesus replied, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by my Father in heaven. 18 And I tell you that you are Peter,[a] and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades[b] will not overcome it.” He showed me that my name, is linked to my purpose, in Him and where I originally believed that my name meant “blessed to be a blessing”, He showed me than my name (Nadia) means Filled with Hope (It is a confident expectation and desire for something good in the future) and Blessed (To be granted special favour by God with resulting joy and prosperity)
God also revealed more to me regarding my Identity in Christ… Pastor Neels said that “Once we become saved, we are no longer defined by what we did wrong, we are defined by what God did right”. The interesting thing about identity is, that we can either live up to or live down to what we believe we are. If our identity rests in the events and memories of our past, our relationships and our values, as defined in the dictionary, our identity is constantly changing. But if my identity is situated in what God did, then his constant nature is my point of reference. God is still who He says He is and He can still do everything He said He can. This means that what I believe or think, does not change the truth in His word. That which I feel, does not change who I am, and my current circumstances do not affect my future and the destiny God has in store for me.
He showed me that He never left me and revealed himself to me as El Roi (The God who sees me) He was with me in my most difficult times – He saw every tear and heard every word said. He knows all the detail of every day. I was the one, who stopped showing up. I was the one, who stopped looking for Him. He kept on pursuing me, when I forgot who I was…
But God determines who I am. He created me in His image. He came to show me that my physical appearance, my personality, my temperament as well as my shortcomings are all part of His divine design. My imperfections are not a liability for Him. They are the platform for God to show His might. God changed me from someone who was too afraid to leave her house, to someone who was able to stand up and talk in front of people… and none of that, has anything to do with my ability – it is all God’s work and for His glory.
God made me on purpose, for his purpose. He came to show me that if I align how I see myself, with how God sees me, I will be able to walk in the purpose I was created for. God came and opened my eyes to see his fingerprints in my story.